56. Total Nonsense ==>

56.2. Major Absurdities

This section represents the stories of the bible that are so absurd they would be dismissed out of hand by anyone hearing them anywhere other than the bible.

 

Cain is worried after killing Abel and says, "Every one who finds me shall slay me." This is a strange concern since there were only two other humans alive at the time -- his parents! 4:14"

 

And Cain knew his wife." That's nice, but where the hell did she come from? 4:17

 

"The sons of God came in unto the daughters of men."

The "sons of God" had sex with the "daughters of men," and had sons who became "the mighty men of old, men of renown." 6:2-4The Amalekites were smitten before Amalek (from whom they descended) was born. Amalek was the grandson of Esau (Gen.36:12). 14:7"He took butter, and milk, and the calf ... and they did eat."

Not a very kosher meal for God and Abraham to eat! (See Exodus 23:19) 18:8God, who is planning another mass murder, is worried that Abraham might try to stop him. so he asks himself if he should hide his intentions from Abraham. 18:17# Lot [the just and righteous (2 Pet.2:7-8)] offers his daughters to a crowd of angel rapers. 19:8

"The Lord visited Sarah" and he "did unto Sarah as he had spoken." And "Sarah conceived and bare Abraham a son." (God-assisted conceptions never result in daughters.) 21:1-2"All countries came into Egypt to Joseph for to buy corn."

The Aztecs, the Chinese, and the Indigenous Australians all came to Joseph to buy grain. 41:57

 

Exodus

# The Israelite population went from 70 (or 75) to several million in a few hundred years. 1:5,7, 12:37, 38:26

# God, disguised as a burning bush, has a long heart-to-heart talk with Moses. 3:4 - 4:17

God shows Moses some tricks that he says are sure to impress. First, throw your rod on the ground; it will become a snake. Then grab the snake by the tail and it will become a rod again. Next, make your hand appear leprous, and then cure it. And finally, pour water on the ground and it will turn into blood. (That ought to do it!) 4:2-9

 

10 Plagues of Egypt

Jacob displays his (and God's) knowledge of biology by having goats copulate while looking at streaked rods. The result is streaked baby goats. 30:37-39 <../gen/30.html>

God tells the Israelites to smear some blood on their doors. That way when he's going around killing Egyptian children, he'll remember not to kill their children too. He probably said to himself when he saw the blood, "Oh yeah, I remember now. I not supposed to kill the children in this house." 12:7, 13 <../ex/12.html>

The Egyptians chased after the Israelites with "all Pharaoh's horses." But according to 9:3-6 <../ex/9.html> there wouldn't have been any horses, since God killed them all in "a very grievous murrain." 14:23 <../ex/14.html>

Moses casts a tree into the water and makes the bitter water taste sweet. 15:25 <../ex/15.html>

As long as Moses the magician keeps his hand up, the Israelites are successful in battle, but the second his hand falls, they start getting beat. So when Moses' arm gets tired, Aaron props it up so that the Amalekites get slaughtered. 17:11-12 <../ex/17.html>

Moses talks God out of killing all the Israelites. 32:11-13 <../ex/32.html>

I cast it into the fire, and there came out this calf."
Aaron just threw the gold earings into the fire and (Presto!) out came a golden calf!
32:24 <../ex/32.html>

Joshua

# Sun, stand thou still upon Gibeon; and thou, Moon, in the valley of Ajalon. And the sun stood still, and the moon stayed, until the people had avenged themselves upon their enemies. -- 10:12-13

# Shamgar the son of Anath, which slew of the Philistines six hundred men with an ox goad. -- 3:31

 

Judges

And he found a new jawbone of an ass, and put forth his hand, and took it, and slew a thousand men therewith. And Samson said, With the jawbone of an ass, heaps upon heaps, with the jaw of an ass have I slain a thousand men.--14:15-16

 

And Samson went and caught three hundred foxes, and took firebrands, and turned tail to tail, and put a firebrand in the midst between two tails. And when he had set the brands on fire, he let them go.--15:4-5