48. Marriage Counseling

1. The Bible says that Christians should not marry.

(God doesn't want Christians to marry. We shouldn't either.)

 

Art thou loosed from a wife? seek not a wife. 1 Corinthians 7:27

 

For I would that all men were even as I myself.... I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. 1 Corinthians 7:7-9

 

2. But if a Christian man decides to get married (which he shouldn't), he can have more than one wife.

 

If he take him another wife.... Exodus 21:10

 

3. And if he doesn't like one of his wives (like if she's unclean or ugly or something), he can divorce her.

 

When a man hath taken a wife, and married her, and it come to pass that she find no favour in his eyes, because he hath found some uncleanness in her: then let him write her a bill of divorcement, and give it in her hand, and send her out of his house. Deuteronomy 24:1

 

4. If a Christian man gets married and then discovers on his wedding night that his new wife is not a virgin, then he and the other Christian men must stone her to death.

 

If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her, And give occasions of speech against her, and bring up an evil name upon her, and say, I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid: Then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel's virginity unto the elders of the city in the gate.... But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel: (What the fuck are the" tokens of virginity"?)Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father's house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you. Deuteronomy 22:13-17

 

5. Christians shouldn't have sex (even if they are married, which they shouldn't be).

 

But this I say, brethren, the time is short: it remaineth, that both they that have wives be as though they had none. 1 Corinthians 7:29

 

It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 1 Corinthians 7:1-2

 

6. Christian parents must beat their children (which they shouldn't have, since they shouldn't get married or have sex).

 

He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes. Proverbs 13:24

 

Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying. Proverbs 19:18

 

Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him. Proverbs 22:15

 

Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die.

Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell. Proverbs 23:13-14

7. Good Christians must hate their families.

(If you abandon them for Jesus, he'll give you a big reward.)

 

If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children,and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple. Luke 14:26

 

And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life. Mattthew 19:29

 

8. And kill their disobedient children.

 

If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother ... Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city ... And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard. And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die. Deuteronomy 21:18-21

 

He that smiteth his father, or his mother, shall be surely put to death. Exodus 21:15

 

He that curseth his father, or his mother, shall surely be put to death. Exodus 21:17

 

For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death: he hath cursed his father or his mother; his blood shall be upon him. Leviticus 20:9

 

God commanded, saying, Honour thy father and mother: and, He that curseth father or mother, let him die the death. Matthew 15:4

 

9. And kill their families, if they have religiously incorrect ideas.

 

If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which thou hast not known, thou, nor thy fathers; Namely, of the gods of the people which are round about you ... Thou shalt not consent unto him, nor hearken unto him; neither shall thine eye pity him, neither shalt thou spare, neither shalt thou conceal him: But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people. And thou shalt stone him with stones, that he die. Deuteronomy 13:6-10

 

10. And finally, like Abraham (Susan Smith, Andrea Yates, et al.), Christian parents should be willing to kill their children for God.

 

And it came to pass after these things, that God did tempt Abraham, and said unto him ... Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and get thee into the land of Moriah; and offer him there for a burnt offering upon one of the mountains which I will tell thee of.... And Abraham stretched forth his hand, and took the knife to slay his son. Genesis 22:1-2, 10

 

*The Bible tell us to kill homosexuals (Leviticus 20:13). Dead people seldom marry.